There is a reason I’m a feeler. 

A little over a week ago, I found myself in worship with my entire squad. We were at debrief. Debrief was held in Moldova right before leaving for Mozambique. It was a time for us to really sort and wrestle through some things the Lord has been doing in our lives. Well, when we were not picking lice out of peoples hair, but that’s a story for another time. Anyway, debrief was also a time for us to put to words all of the things we had been feeling and thinking over the last couple months. Also it was a time for us to worship in a room where nobody cares what you do.

Sing

Scream

Cry

Don’t cry

Get on your knees

Hide in a corner and pray

Doesn’t matter.

The Lord loves it all.

So I found myself worshiping the Lord and praying over my squad the things I wanted for myself. 

I wanted to understand His love more.

I wanted my life to be nothing but Glorifying to Him.

I wanted to feel His presence.

But I'm learning it’s better to see someone else get the very thing you want, than you yourself receive it. So I asked big things for my squad and I asked that the Lord would bring those things down. 

And of course He did. The Lord delights in giving us more of His presence.

Just a little while later we were asked to prophecy over the people on our team. 

So picture this:  We were asked to close our eyes and then one of the AIM staff would tap someone on the shoulder and we would tell them the things the Lord was directing us to say. 

My initial thoughts:

What? 

I’m not doing that.

I don’t know what to say.

This is silly.

Absolutely not

I’m not sipping on that crazy juice...

But then I got over myself and my pride and did it anyway. Guess what, yes I sure did receive a lesson in humility - The Lord blew me up with His voice. However, it was not what you would think. I could literally feel what the person I was praying for was feeling. 

Delight

Fear

Heartbreak 

Excitement 

Joy
 

I could feel it. 

And then the Lord would tell me the way that He felt about them. “They are living in fear, but they love me and my love cast out fear.”

I don’t really know how to fully explain what the Lord did in my heart that night, but I know He speaks to us, and I know that sometimes it can take forever, or laying down our pride, for us to realize how it is that we hear His voice. 

He made me to be a feeler. I actually like to cry. He used a part of me that He not only created, but that He loves. He showed me a gift that not everyone has. He has given me the ability to sympathies with others in a way that is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.

I don’t know, dude.

Call me crazy but the Lord let me feel His heart for His children.

I was blown away.

It was overwhelming.

The Lord speaks. 

I knew there was a reason I’m a feeler. 

I always try to preface my blog with where I currently am. Maybe physically, maybe emotionally. Then I realize I tend to be repetitive and I find myself clicking the backspace key until the page remains white and I can figure out my brain enough to come up with a sentence that Is actually interesting.

This time that didn’t work..

So I’m sitting in an empty white room that echoes terribly and makes me wish I was an artist painting a beautiful mural. But I’m not. Instead, in this room that smells a little like stinky feet, I can’t help but laugh. Not just a chuckle, I’m currently belly laughing as I think about the countless times this month I have sat in this exact spot while God has reminded me of just how brilliant He is and how not brilliant I can be.  

You know, those moments when I have to realize I’m not God and God does a better job at being God than I do so I should just let him at it.

It’s so much better that way. 

So I laugh because I want to cry a little, but I also want to laugh. And I also really want to be sitting on my big round comfy chair back in Texas watching movies with my family.

But I’m not, and I trust that God has a plan in that too.

Because this place that God has me is so Good.

It really is.

Wherever God calls you is really the best place you can be.

So I find myself in this room instead. My current “home” whatever that word has come to mean - I’m no longer sure. 

It’s here. 

It’s there.
Next weeks it's in Africa.

It’s where God is. 

It’s confusing. 

Anyways, I find myself here, home, praying about everything in between the dirt and the stars. Prayers about how I need God to fill me up, to be patient with me, to forgive me, and to love me. Then, I realize before I even asked for those things today he blessed me with them. Because somewhere in that brilliant head of His, He knew this girl would mess up. And I think He was even a little okay with it. Because I think He paid for it a long time ago on a cross and it covered everything. 

You see, today is hard. That’s okay. These days come. And all I want is just the touch of God. For Him to touch my heart and make it whole. 

I think He is also okay with the fact that I’m learning to need Him and want him more than any other thing in my life. I mean, He looks at me and sees me as worthy.. It’s a love that frazzles me in the best way. Everyday I try to figure it out, and instead I end up in a white echoing room laughing because I can’t.

But maybe I don’t need to figure it out this time.

I just need to trust it.

His love is good. 

It’s so good.

And I can live in the fullness of it.

Today, that’s all I need to know. 

That’s all we need to know. 

I’m on the world race.

Some days I forget.

Life is not normal,

And I never want it to be again.

Here is some of the things I've done to make me fully aware that life is not normal.

I:

• Went surfing on the most beautiful beach in Haiti.
• Learned to do the meringue in the Dominican.
• Woke up to crashing waves on the beach for an entire month in Haiti.
• Have daily time with me team to encourage and challenge one another. We call it feedback. 
• Went on a 12 mile hike to a waterfall in the Dominican Republic.
• Took an off day to travel to Hungary.
• Woke up to being told my teammate has just slaughtered a sheep.
• Had to mad-dash to high grounds in Haiti, because a rain storm came and flooded all our tents... 
• Was stuffed in a truck bed with 15 other people to travel home.
• Have prayed for visions and words to encourage and bring life to those around me.
• Taught English classes at a church.
• Did yard work for a month in Romania
• Played the drums on a five gallon water bottle with my friend Johnfrank for squad worship.
• Learned that I am loved and accepted for who I am
• I get to walk into more of the confidence in knowing that I am a daughter of God.
• Prayed for God to heal some of our friends that were sick in The DR and watching Him show up and do just that.
• I climbed a mountain to worship and pray over a town. 
• Had a travel day that involves a 6 different forms of transport and 2 days time
• Had a 14 hour work day of pouring concrete.
• Found 5 different kinds of currency in my wallet.
• Cut three different peoples hair and I’m really not that good at it....
• Layed in a hammock with my sweet friend to talk about where the Lord is taking us.
• Have had the Lord daily tell me of His love for me and to romance my heart over and over again. He is so patient with me.

The Dominican Republic! We got to wake up and see this!


Before atempting to surf for the first time. I will learn one day! :D
 

Dania and I in Hungary


The sweet Dominican child. I wish I could bring her with me all year!


The most beautiful beach ever! I could live there.


Brasov, Romania! I want to go back one day! 
 

The world race has been such and adventure. I have learned so much and I’m beyond blessed by how intentional the Lord has been in my life. In every little detail.

Short side note: In order to stay on the race I need 800 dollars in the next 2 months! The Lord has blessed me so much already and I don’t know what I would do without all the people who are partnering with me in this. Thank you times a million!  If you want to help a sista out just click the support me tab on the left hand side of the page. It would be such a blessing to me. If 40 people gave me $20 I would be fully funded. That’s a cool thing!

Following the Lord is legit.

He is taking me on a great adventure 

and I know it’s only going to get better and better. 

I’m in Moldova,

a very small country in eastern Europe,

with my new ALL GIRLS team.

We only ever talk about boys and makeup and the color pink..

Yeah right... 
These are some amazing women of God!
who challenge me and love me
and I'm so blessed by them

We live in a church.

It’s so cold you can sometimes see your breath... inside.

There is always a kid around to play karate with,

or strange nose grabbing games.
 

The food is wonderful.

Soup is eaten everyday at lunch time

which is okay with me because it keeps us warm.

It rains quite a bit

and when it doesn’t we get to play volleyball outside with the kids.

Umm, Yes please.
 

We have a body image jar 

we put in a Lei (about 10 cents)
every time you say a bad thing about your appearance

“The tongue has the power of life and death”

Check Proverbs 18 or James.

We get to hang out with young people from the church 

and watch movies with them. 

English movies dubbed over in Russian with English subtitles.

Naturally.

And play ping pong

And watch soccer games

And eat cake


 

We have a bakery across the street.

It may or may not be the reason I eat too much chocolate,

and also the reason I am currently into insanity (the workout).

I have stopped wearing makeup

 

and walking around barefoot.

I have had dreams almost every night we have been here

I forget most of them about 10 min after waking up.

And a few mornings I have found myself on the 4th floor of our church



with my face buried in scripture,

begging for God to pour His spirit out.

And I’m so excited that God has caught hold of my heart.

He has begun to shift my focus from “me me me”

to desperate cries of, "Lord PLEASE do sometime huge

In this church,

In this country,

and In this world.
Because I can't do it...
or anything without you.

Your Kingdom come,

Your will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven."

And Then I get to rest my head at night 
knowing how huge God is
Knowing how Good He is 
and knowing that my heart beats for another world...
because I was made for another world.

This place is not my home.
There is still work to be done
but my citizenship is in Heaven.
Where I will get to be with Jesus.

Oh Goodness, that is good news. 

 

Walking around barefoot is a no no here in my Moldovan home (which is actually a church). It’s weird that I am reminded of my real home by that simple fact. At my house, my mom would always tell me to put my socks on. Here I’m encouraged to do the same thing.

But that’s not the only thing that brings me back to the way things were in the states. This is the first month of the Race that I am actually living in a city. Okay, well it’s hardly a city, but It’s not a wide open space like I have experienced the last few months. For the first time I don’t have a place outside to go and escape. If you didn’t know, I’m the type of girl that feels connected with God so easily when I’m out in nature. All alone. Just me and Him. It’s perfect. 

However, this month, I don’t have a mountain or a beach to just sit on and worship God in the beauty of His creation. It feels more like back at home when I would have to run to my local coffee shop to escape. You know, to free my head and refocus. To hear His voice.

But there is no hipster coffee shop here either.

No mountain

No beach 

No hipster coffee shop 

What's a girl to do?

 

Still, I find myself suffocated with things that remind me of home. WiFi, potatoes, a bed (I think I got a visit from the tempur-Pedic fairy), a warm shower, hot chocolate, a washing machine, electricity. It’s all so normal (in my western view of the word). However, It’s probably the hardest thing I’ve experience this far.

It’s no longer

the bugs 

the squaty potty

the construction

the yard tools I used all last month

the cold water showers 

the strange food

the (what felt like) endless hikes 

the kids that would blow their nose in my t-shirt

the hand washing my clothes

the wearing dirty clothes over and over

No those things actually turned out to be the best things. You know, the things that made me laugh, after the initial difficulty of course. It was in those moments where my strength was gone. And that was the best way that God could use me, teach me, and mold me. I felt as though I would break if I had to do it one more time, but I was always depending on the Lord to get me though. Because we all know I couldn’t do it without Him. 

That is exactly where He wanted me.

Depending fully on Him.

I’m now realizing the real difficulty has been in the amount of comfort I have had in the last 4 weeks - here in Moldova and at the house we lived at in Romania. It’s so much more of a battle to learn to walk with God when you have it good. It’s so hard to depend on God when you feel like you can do it on your own. I mean, I don’t need God the way I did two months ago, but now I want Him more than ever before. 

Maybe I’m in a good place. 

I don’t know.

Props to all you guys in America that are seeking hard after Jesus. 

I think you do it far better than me. 

I’m just a traveling “missionary” that needs the right setting to seek the Lord. 

I think I may have an issue.
 

I’m currently in the middle-of-nowhere Romania, outside sitting at a picnic table with a scarf around my neck and a horse and buggy crossing the street in front of me. My life is average... I’m living in a house where I get to do my laundry (with a machine) and sleep in a real bed and enjoy the most amazing weather. I still wonder if this is all one big crazy dream. 

I think it is. 

I mean, two months ago I was in the mountains of the Dominican Republic, living with Abuelo and Abuela. I was getting to hang out with kids and visit sweet friends all day. One of my off days included going on a 12 mile hike to a waterfall. It was sweet.

Then, a few weeks later, I found myself in Haiti with my entire squad. Punching each other in the food line... ummm, I mean, preferring one another and always putting others first... and doing construction everyday. It was an amazing month where I got to learn a lot, worship a lot, and I even got to go surfing. 

In all this time, I have been blown away by how much God has protected my heart. I came into the World Race with the expectation that every month I was basically going to have to rip my heart out as we went from one country to the next. I didn’t trust that the Lord would restore my heart. I thought that I would empty myself and His grace would not be enough to carry me through.

I was so wrong. 

His grace is always enough.

And then, I somehow imagined that ministry on the World Race would look like me walking out the door everyday with an AK47 ready to blow up some pimps... I mean share the life of Jesus with them. I quickly realized I had to lay down what I expected ministry to look like while on the Race. 

This month we are working at a camp and getting it ready for the summer. Doing random jobs that need to be done before little goobers start showing up this summer. On our days off we have traveled to Arad, Romania to go shopping, exploring and I even went to see Hunger Games. I even got to sing in a cultural arts center with the best acoustic in eastern Europe. 
 

It’s been such an amazing month. Our team has stepped into a new rhythm. We have really begun to mesh well together. We have quickly come to realize how intentional the Lord was when our teams were created back at training camp. 

At first we slightly freaked out about how a team of six completely different people would come together and be unified. It seems impossible at times. We often misunderstand peoples intentions, we hold on to offenses, we are consumed with pride and selfishness. But on the World Race we deal with those things right away no matter how hard it is. Basically, community on the world race is not normal. It’s so awesome and so challenging. 

We have one more week here at ministry before we head to debrief. While we are excited to see the Lords grace carry us through in another time of change, we are a little nervous this time around. In one week we will face the biggest change yet... team changes. 

In less than two weeks I will be in another country with another team and in my moments of small faith I am scared out of my mind. Sometimes, I wonder why I signed up for this crazy adventure of the World Race and then I am reminded that It’s one of the best decisions I have made. 

I will do whatever it takes for me to look more like Jesus. 

Even if it will hurt in the process.

Even if everything is constantly changing.

I just want to look more like Jesus. 

Holding hands with ice

My cold heart is numb

I would rather not help

so I will trust in any lie

Arguing about nothing,

pretending to know something.

A loud voice. 

Void of love. 

Love is loud 

but loud is none. 

Forget looking at scripture in it’s entirety,

I will underline the parts that sound good to me.

Eternal life for a simple prayer,

now pour on the blessings and remove my despair.

But this part here I will ignore,

take care of the widows, orphans and the poor.

And another person cries

as I turn my head,

And the least of these is Jesus,

now another one is dead. 

This blood on my hands 

is the blood of the king

The one I crucify daily

with my selfish disease. 
 

The amount of things I have learned about God, others, and myself this month kind of blows my mind. Don’t get me wrong, I still have a lot of learning to do. I have yet to reach my “super Christian” status (if that’s even possible), and I’m still learning to see myself the way God sees me.

This month, despite the fact that I have been with my entire squad, I have felt lonely, exhausted, and drained. As I mentioned in my last blog, I have been seeking attention, affirmation and comfort in empty places. I have looked for others to affirm me, love me, and tell me I’m enough. I have looked for the fullness of God in the frailness of humans.

I’ve been distracted by fleeting things.

Conditional love always falls short.

But the problem is not in my mistakes. My problem lies in the way that I have seen God...

I have seen God as though I am an orphan, and not His daughter.

I have seen Him as distant and passive...

And disappointed with me.

And because of this I have hurt myself and so many others. I have held on to offenses. I have not forgiven. 

But I’m finally starting to realize the way God truly sees me. I’m learning the extent of my pride and that maybe, just maybe, I’m completely wrong. 

I must know He is big enough to change me. 

I must believe that He is love. 

I must know the fullness of who I am in Christ. 

I honestly don’t have the power to change myself. But I do believe, with all my heart, that God has that ability. But not only does He have the ability to change my flaws and use my weakness, He has the ability to see past my flaws and call me worthy.

And when you know the Truth of who you are in God’s eyes, you begin to live in freedom. 

Released and redeemed. 

I am worthy, and enough, and loved. 

Boom.

Because of Christ I have been made worthy and that changes everything. Christ looks at me with joy. He desires to take me into the places of love that I will never experience elsewhere. He wants me to find my satisfaction in Him. 

He is not absent

He is not passive

He is not disappointed

He is not angry

He is not anything but completely beautiful. 

Unconditional love never falls short.

A few weeks ago, my team and I started talking about names and how much they mean. In scripture, the names given to people were very purposeful. In fact, God often changed peoples names because He ordained people to become what their names mean. He wanted people to be more than a name. He wanted to call them by that which they were. Which they are. 

Candace: joy, light, pure and glowing.

And God makes us into what we call ourselves. 

What others call us. 

What He calls us.

I am a joy. 

A light. 

Pure. 

Glowing

I still can’t get my mind completely around it, but I know its true. God, my entire life, has been molding me into a pure and joyful woman who is radiant in his presence. It’s kind of beautiful to think about.

But where our greatest strength lies, where the lord blesses us most, satan attacks us most. I have seen the reality of this play out so much lately, not only in scripture, but in my life. The last couple weeks satan has tried to destroy me by telling me I’m not who the Lord created me to be.

You see, living with 45 of your best friends is crazy. 

It’s like an imperfect heaven on steroids. 

We are all people that are just learning to love, desiring to know more of our Savior, and daily having to depend on His grace to get us through. We worship him from hammocks, from tents, from our worksite at Mission Of Hope, from rocking chairs, and sometimes with our faces on the ground before Him. We worship him in desperation. 

We need him. 

We really need him.

It’s incredible, and yet I have even seen the way satan keeps creeping his way into this brain of mine. Manipulating God’s truth and taking every opportunity he can to make me feel inadequate, rejected, and insecure even in this amazing community. It’s manifestation has come in passivity, jealousy, fear, pride and resentment. He has stolen my joy, my light and my radiance.

In fact, he gets in my head telling me I must not be good enough because I can’t lift 50 pound buckets of concrete for hours on end during ministry, and I can’t sing as pretty as others, and I can’t compare, and I can’t... and I can’t... and I can’t....

And the truth is.. who the hell cares what I can not do? Who is comparing?

God has spoken into me my true identity. I do not have to believe lies. I know who I am. Okay, well I’m daily getting on my face before the lord and praying to find our more of who I am. But I know that everything from God is perfect, it is beautiful and it is satisfying.

I can’t give power lies. 

God knows my name. He knows me. He knows that I lost precisely 12 hairs on my head in the shower. He knows that with our words we give life and with our words we can destroy. We all have that power. 

It’s my prayer, for you and I, that the lord may create us into people who walk in the fullness of our name. It’s my desire that by His grace He may save us from every lie, every insecurity, every temptation, and every evil. 

Jesus

It is the name that makes it all worth it.